Greetings fam. Many of you already know that I don't read People magazine. It is also understood that I don't often surf on TMZ or any related celebrity gossip channels. But you would have to be living under a rock to avoid the Seal / Heidi break-up.
When asked about his recent split, Seal had this to say: "No I'm never gonna survive unless Heidi stop actin' crazy..."
I'm not really sure why this happened, so I'll venture a few hypotheses:
1) Seal got too big for the couple. It's the reason Brian Jonestown Massacre broke-up (they're back together). It's the reason Herman Cain is no longer running for President (he's too big for the U.S.). Heidi, simply, can no longer "hang" with Seal.
2) Seal discovered that he has superpowers. Don't dismiss this. This is my explanation for a lot of things. Magnets? How do they work? Superpowers. That's how, you silly goose. This is the reason Newt Gingrich broke it off with his past few wives. One of his super powers is the ability to leave his wife in the hospital! SNAP! Too soon?
3) This is part of some genius marketing campaign to gen up sales of Seal's newest album: Soul 2. I find this hypothesis the least likely of the 3.
When "Kiss from a Rose" came out, I was found myself asking: is this the greatest made-for-a-movie song of all time? I was thoroughly convinced that Seal was all like: "Me fancy Batman. Me must write a totally mental song for his movie." Seal is British and this is how he talks.
I have since come to find out that this wasn't the case, thus jeopardizing my Seal narrative. No matter. I should have known that Seal was bigger than Batman Forever, which plays like one long music video. The only win in that movie was Mr. Freeze, played by Arnold. Remember Offspring's terrible song: "Smash It Up"? A perfect juxtaposition to Seal's "Kiss from a Rose". When I think back on some of the stuff I listened to circa 1995, I feel pretty good about most of it: Nirvana, Soundgarden, Metallica, Rage, Seal. Offspring...not so much.
Seal is the guy that you secretly like, but you're embarrassed to admit it. When "Prayer for the Dying" comes on are you like: "Man...this isn't deep at all. It totally doesn't sound like birds taking flight or the earth shifting."? Probs not. Probs not, indeed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Btl5PYdpcNs
Heidi, give Seal another chance. But seriously, if that doesn't work out, holler at meh.
PS...whatever happened to the suit with no shirt underneath?
#dictatorstyle
Hope you Dig,
JZ
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